June 15, 2014

FEATURE ARTICLE: What Would An Alpha Male Do?

submitted by Amara Charles Back

What would an alpha male do if you completely ignored the things he does to drive you crazy? What if you started inviting him to do what you least expect?

Rather than saying ‘can you just... or why can’t you just …’  what if you said ‘I dare you to surprise me with what you think I’d most enjoy?’

This all has to do with wanting men in our lives to do things the way we’d like them to… but I’ll come back to this later.

Sometimes we may want to say ‘Stay…just stay.‘ And we may wonder why he can’t. Could it be that I am ambivalent? Or could it be he knows exactly what I want him to do, but he wont?

Here’s what I know about dealing with an alpha male; if we treat him like a dog we’ll end up with an obedient but resentful and rather dull dog. He may obey, but when we say, Come. Roll Over and Sit he might do it, but he’ll become neurotic and indecisive. Which of course is what we find unattractive.

So how do we get him to…?

We don’t. ‘Getting’ him to stay, or getting him to do anything is the thing to shift, to practice letting go of. Alpha males require a kind of freedom that cannot be given. So whenever you have the urge to change him, stop. Instead, practice being patient and opening another dimension of your being.

You wish he’d just finish something? You wish he’d be kinder, softer, more responsible, talk more or be more decisive? Try to catch yourself thinking this way. Feel the irritation and then let it go.

But what if he does nothing or does exactly what I told him I dislike? Good. The real battle is relinquishing your urge to control. Notice and then go past the urge to change him, or direct him. Instead watch for what he is doing. Pause to find something, (anything) okay about it.

What you’re really letting go of is your own internal conversation about what he could have done or should do according to you. Dare to gradually let go of the urge to over direct and watch what happens.  Make it a practice to only intervene if asked.

You might watch him wobble, barge, squirm or wallow in indecisiveness. Let him. If he recovers he builds the kind of resilience you’ll eventually find attractive. If he fails he learns to pick himself up. If he succeeds he’s gained knowledge. Instead of a dog trainer or Mom, what he really wants is good company to share victories and defeats of his own.

While some men love to be directed like crazy, sooner or later they’ll resent it and so will you. Most men wish to govern themselves, yet they often do not know how to wrest themselves free of constraints. It’s a paradox, because while they resent the constraints, they also secretly want them. A wise alpha man knows that if he accepts those curbs, limitations and restraints without resentment, he gets stronger.  The unwise break themselves free too soon or they stay tied too long and they brood about it.

If you find your self standing by an alpha prince, a man who acts on his own yet who cherishes the counsel of fine women, it still requires awareness about when to let go of the reins and when to hold tight. How do you know when you should you pull closer and when to give space?

First you must notice your own feelings in your body. When we want someone to change there’s a tightness somewhere in our own body. Rather than ignoring the tension, feel it, stay with it, and then resist the urge to act on it.

Whenever you succeed in resisting the urge to control from this tight place, you provide  space for a man to rely more on his own resources than yours. The more you can let go of what you think he should do the less you need to control him. Sure, he’ll probably still do predictable things that may drive you crazy.

But instead of gathering expectations and frustrations, try delving into unknown things, become a bit more unpredictable your self. The mystery just might cause him to keep his eye on you rather than ducking away from the same old battles. Sometimes a little deliberate mystery is a wonderful thing.

Wouldn’t it be nice to relax with clarity, being right here with simple, direct and uncluttered knowing? Yeah it’s fine to get swept away in a surprise tingle and it feels so good to let go in whooshes of strength. It’s both what we want and it’s what we avoid.

So instead of getting tangled in the nest of what he wants verses whatever-on-earth she wants, instead of losing composure, doubling down and closing down, gradually ease up,  let go and feel what happens. He may surprise you.

To finish this series for the summer, I’ll leave you with a tribute to a few alpha men I’ve had the pleasure of being with lately, each one in his own way, a passionate gentleman, a seeker to the end.  I’ll make up the names, but you know who you are…

There’s my friend who pours his mission, ‘to take the killing arts and make them into healing arts.’  It’s the generous way you share your mastery. It’s the passion, the scale and intelligence of your vision. And the fact that you’re doing it.

This is what he said that made my knees shiver:

If you know your Self, you will know me. If you do not know your Self, you will be subject to me. When you can do what I can do I will respect you. If you cannot do what I can do, you are in my care.   — from a ‘hardcore Korean Tea Kwon Do lineage called Chung Moo Kwan

Another man, completely (and lovingly) snatched from his medical world into the land of intimacy and Quodoushka…I marveled at your heart, still raw from hearing the diagnosis of prostrate cancer. To valiantly claim your self as a man and as a lover, it’s an honor to know you.

Lunch on Sunday with this man was gobsmacking. I could barely eat. He had my attention at ‘did I tell you the story of when I died?’

The whole restaurant paused as he launched into a rapture of detailed descriptions describing his meeting with three winged archangels, who each asked him, ‘Are you ready for this blessing?

He had no idea what they were talking about until he recognized the face of one of angles. It was a former girlfriend… the story continued with 32  doctors, television coverage, a police car coming at 75mph, bones in 83 pieces, eyeballs out of sockets…every bit more jaw dropping than the last. And he has no scars. Only a burning, childlike desire to ‘finish a few things we started’  Plus a hefty dose of gratitude for being able to have lunch. You, my new friend, are a hero of the highest order.

Least I leave you with the idea that alpha men only do such grand acts, there are other equally touching, attractive and quietly heroic alpha men who I’ve taken note of lately. There’s my friend who drove from California to Texas to surprise his 70 year old Mom for her birthday, another friend who flew to Colorado to help a woman who was going through a divorce negotiate a place to live, a man who started a new business breeding dogs after being fired from his job. A friend who fought and found the way to bypass the dire destiny doctors prescribed for his son… There are so many shades of alpha it’s hard to name them all.

Bravo to all your brave gestures.

P.S. You all have so much to learn, especially with women…and the reason I like you is you know that!

In beauty, Amara



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Dear Amara
this article is so prevalent to me right now. I am so grateful for your generosity to help me and everyone with your musings from your website

Amara says

Hee hee, I think you mean relevant! Ah, you are so welcome dear Annette. I cannot WAIT to see you in Germany!! Please help Yvonne of you can to spread the word about Hamburg.