February 4, 2015

Touching the Sweet Spot

submitted by Amara Charles Back

Something magical happens when we touch the sweet spot, that place where there’s no distance, there’s only heart stretching in every direction stripping down the decoys against love we put in the way.  Anything unreal, anything we try to hold onto, all the hurts, wounds and transgressions we’ve made, crumble like brown sugar the instant that spot gets touched.

How do you touch it?

Here’s the secret: treat the sweet spot of the heart like a lover, and just let go.

Let go of trying, let go of the past, let go of the goal, let go of thinking.  Just let go and listen with great sensitivity because if you do, you’ll start to notice she’s lurking, she’s waiting inside any moment.  The sweetest spots, where our bodies moan, where our minds breathe and we get so open our love pierces through the impossible; this is what makes life liveable.

The trick is to not make a big deal of our sweet spots (they’re quite shy and don’t like to be exposed), so please excuse me for telling the tale of a dear sweet spot that opened in a most unexpected way.

I was talking to a woman going through a rocky time in her marriage.  She was certain she had communicated honestly about an attraction outside her marriage and was angry with her husband for saying it was ok, only to find out later, it was not ok at all.  Since I was coaching her, and hadn’t met her husband, I suggested we do a Talking Stick session on Skype.

Within the first few minutes I saw he had locked up feelings about some things that happened. Part of him wanted his wife to explore her attractions, but he was also reluctant to show how freaked out he felt. He didn’t feel safe because everything was moving way too fast for him.  I could tell their conversations brought them further apart, stirred up fears of loss, and they both needed to protect themselves.

Now here’s when something remarkable happened on Skype. I could see and hear them sitting together in the comfort of their living room.  I became the observer witness, simply facilitating a space that lifted the walls of their hearts.

You see, in a talking stick session, one person speaks and the other must repeat what they hear the other say.  This simple practice is the best way I know to break through times where it seems everything you say pushes you further and further apart.

I saw it happen; for a few passes of the stick, instead of repeating what he heard, he added his own reactions. She then withdrew when he didn’t repeat the gist of what she said. This is how it often goes when somebody’s isn’t listening on Skype. Whether our favorite rebuttal  is mud slinging, withdrawing or silent treatments, both are vying to be right. Ever notice it’s utterly impossible to touch the sweet spot from here?

The talking stick makes it hard to sling reactions or pull away, and especially on Skype, when you know someone else is watching, you have to listen or else you won’t be able to repeat what you heard the other say!  So instead of trudging down the same old slippery slope, the guide slows everything down, saying things like, ‘Is that what you said?’ and ‘Do you feel heard?’ Then the other person has the chance to say, ‘No, that’s not what I’m saying . . . What I REALLY mean is…’

Repeat until you can say, ‘Yes, that’s what I said.’ Then, and only then, pass the stick.

Actually, a Talking Stick could be called a listening stick because the secret to coaxing the sweet spot to pop out more often is to slow down and listen. The stream of pretense we hear in our head only stops when we switch the channel to a better station ~ our higher self ~ long enough to actually hear what somebody else is saying.

The shift happened in the silent spaces of this Talking Stick when it became clear she hadn’t seen the ways he was doing his best, and he hadn’t felt her care and compassion for him. Fortunately, although it was only the beginning, I knew from what they wrote me the next day, how tenderly they opened for each other. I can only imagine the sweet places they may have explored through the night…

 

In beauty,

Amara Charles

Quehestemehah   ‘You Dance In My Heart’

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