August 15, 2012

Three Clues to Overcome Rejection

submitted by Amara Charles Back

Three Clues for Overcoming Rejection

How do you get your lady out of the castle when she won’t say yes?

What if she shuns affection? Avoids sex and rejects you on a regular basis?

The most important key that opens the door to the castle is to be more loving no matter what. For love is the only language she understands.

Why is she rejecting me?

It doesn’t matter why. Is it because of a past transgression? Jealousy? Or perhaps you think somehow you’re not good enough? None of these things matter. Even if you could find her reasons, it would not create the result you want: her welcoming heart and her warm loving body.

How do you bring your lady out of her castle?

Understand a few things. Castles are safe. Maybe she’s stubborn. Typically, she doesn’t even know why she is in there, or if she does, she’s tired of her own reasons. How do I know this? Because staying in the castle without loving touch is more than annoying, it’s boring. You should know that down deep, she doesn’t want to feel isolated and alone. But she is proud. She doesn’t know how to open. AND she knows you want to get in.

What to do?

Three Clues

While you are being even more loving, do not ask her for sex.

Be a gentleman. Wait for her to invite you.

Touch her only in the right moments.

Here’s how to be more loving. No matter what she appears to be throwing at you (whether it’s silence, criticism, complaints or things).  You must make a committment to speak the language she understands.

Extra Clue: Try to Understand Rejection for What it Is

Women who are shut down are angry because they feel used or pushed. They reject advances and withhold sex because they are trying to protect them selves from getting hurt more.

If you approach such a woman, whatever is causing her to shut down gets activated again. She will not trust you and she will not open sexually. Why? Because she resents that you want something from her.

How would a gentleman take such rejections? By simply bowing his head without resentment. Yes, there is a refusal, but a gentleman does not sulk or seek revenge. At the same time, a gentleman does not pay attention to immature emotions-either hers or his own.

Then a gentleman watches and waits for an invitation. When he sees an opening, he touches her only in the right moments.

But what if there are no openings?

There are always openings. You just have to spot them.

One More Clue: Only touch her when you are feeling happy.

Do not touch her when you want sex. If you touch her when you want sex she will see through it. As you’ve probably noticed, avoiding her doesn’t get to yes either.

When you touch her only when you are happy, she will sense that you do not want anything from her. She will start to relax, and eventually she will come to you. This is worth waiting for.

Now go back being more loving. Give loving words, loving gifts, loving gestures. Expect nothing in return. This is the language she craves.

Even if she rejects your love a hundred times, keep loving. She’s testing to see how easily you will give up. A woman’s rejection means you need to find another way into the castle.

When To Let Go

If rejections persist, maybe you need to separate. This is okay. But before you go, give everything you can. If you’ve faced at least a hundred rejections bravely, doing everything you can to be more loving, at least you can walk away with dignity.

Remember, she’s the only one who can open the door, but it is you who holds the key.

p.s. I wrote this for men because so many ask me about rejection. Women can certainly use these clues with anyone.

Sex and Intimacy expert Amara Charles’ new book The Sexual Practices of Quodoushka is available on Amazon and Barnes and Nobels. To find out about her sexuality workshops for singles and couples please visit our workshops page.


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shyena says

Hey I love this we need men that are strong to open our castles with love & Care
Rock On!!!

amara says

yes, we love strong men, and we get get to inspire them and show them whay we really desire.

martin says

how about women and men are encouraged to be with their core fear of abandonment/intrusion regarding just being alive in general that has nothing to do with specific trauma or behavior that we project onto each other and we could cut to the chase …connect rapidly… and not spend hours lost in tension and words…i would love to offer a seminar that i have successfully used for decades…soulmates in an hour…will you approach or avoid is the only question…it always is….love and aloha forever martin

amara says

Aloha martin. I gather you’re saying we could have a lot of soul mates, rather than looking for one? Yes, I think having many kindred spirits is fortunate, and knowing who and when to approach people and situations certainly seems wise. Good luck on your seminar. Love and aloha back

martin says

no i am not suggesting that at all…as i said i am suggesting that we tend to be so out of touch with our core general fears and hopes around abandonment and intrusion that people spend a lifetime wasted overly projecting on past trauma and bring into the specific moment to not allow connections…people can soulmate rapidly with each other committed to one if a man is committed to being aware of his fear of abandonment causing his rush and a woman to her primary intrusion fear that causes here to delay intimacy….hours days weeks years of wasted connection time over unaware general fears….billions of hours of therapy are wasted on specific exaggerated fears from a lack of awareness of our natural protective general fears…that is what i was saying…we are practically unconscious as a society about this sadly to our own demise and the destruction of male/female relationships or any for that matter…much aloha

amara says

Hi Martin,
graacis for your care and explanation. I guess I did not understand what you were saying before. Sometimes it’s hard to get the fullness of what we mean to say from a quick note, so again, thanks for explaining in more depth! I can see you have a deep understanding of the underlying core reasons why so many people have trouble connecting and feeling deep union. I am sure you help many people transcend old patterns rapidly, and I so agree much time is spent running around general protective fears without ever seeing them for what they are! I celebrate your passion and commitment to help restore the fundamental harmony within male/female relationships. May you walk in beauty, aloha, Amara

Jimmy says

Amara didn’t hear you Martin. Yet there’s no need to try – for anyone <3

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