February 23, 2011

The Taboo of Being Sexually Honest

submitted by Amara Charles Back


I recently went to Pamela Madsen’s book reading at Fascinations. If you haven’t seen her book ‘Shameless’ it’s a hoot- a deep hoot. She starts off telling a bit about how her marriage slipped into the all-too-cozy zone. She begins to take all kinds of sex workshops (like the one’s I teach) in order to try and improve her marriage. Then she ventures into the world of sexual practitioners. At first- until she has some sense of what she’s doing- she doesn’t tell her husband.

At the end of her talk she told us about an interview with Dr. Laura Berman who said to Pamela, ‘you know I have an issue with this. I don’t like to make judgments, but I do judge the people you work with.’

In case you don’t know, Dr. Berman’s show is chock full of people calling in to talk about their illicit affairs. Apparently, talking about covert liaisons is okay. What’s judged is paying practitioners to learn about sex- that’s labeled prostitution. So there’s no judgment on lying about covert affairs- I reckon people have them all the time. While they may not be condoned, it’s well burned into the collective psyche that they happen all the time.

Pamela Madsen, on the other hand, strives to be completely honest with her husband, telling him, ‘What I am doing…it’s not about YOU, it’s about ME.” She paid people to explore experiences outside her marriage, and worked really hard to bring back what she learned to make sex better with her husband. I totally support this.

Eventually, she tells her husband everything (sometimes hilariously so.) Her whole story is about how she opened herself sexually through some pretty controversial and sometimes kinky stuff… and then manages to make it home ‘in time to cook dinner’.

Most people, given the choice between lying or telling the truth about what they do sexually, or even what they’d like to do, are afraid to be honest. I know it may seem easier not to tell the truth about what we want and desire, but in the long run honesty always heals. I don’t like lying about anything because it’s uncomfortable to hide, especially from the person you love.  I like sharing about my sexual adventures with my partner and we love hearing the details.

Believe me, being covert is more painful than being honest. At first we think we admitting our sexual desires will hurt our partner, but in the end, lying harms our relationships more.  This is why I wrote Sexual Agreements– to show people there is a way to be honest and it is possible to create a sex life that works for you.

I found it wonderfully refreshing to hear a woman stand up and say, hey, I have desires; I have a kinky side that I want to explore. And I love my marriage. I give Pamela much kudos for figuring out a way to have her cake and eat it too. Not only does she get to have the sex she likes, and a loving family, she’s got a heart of gold.

She’s doing a doc tentatively called ‘Sexual Revolutionaries’ about all her sexual adventures with a major network. Go Pamela, Go Shameless!

If you like my blog pass it on. Our Next Touch for Two LIVE is March 25 in Phoenix. Can’t make it? Download my video Touch For Two for your sensuous pleasure at home. Look for my Forthcoming book: The Sexual Practices of Quodoushka.

My 6 Words for Intimacy Today: Shame? Why, Silly Sex is Natural!

What are YOUR 6 Words for Intimacy Today? Post in the box below. Thanks!

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??????????? ???????????? ??????????? says

It was a very interesting post thanks for writing it!

shyena says

Love the way pamela is so Honest about her sexuality, Im happy to be part of a community that shares Intimacy

Jude says

Good blog and yes I agree all about the agreement between you but it must be that both understand the agreement in the same way.
One of the problems here though is that if one of the partners works on developing their sexuality but the other stays in the cosy zone sooner or later something is going to crack. I think its way better if they can explore this stuff together.

amara says

Hi Jude,
I totally agree that it’s way more fun to explore together! However, so often we are not on the same page with our partner when it comes to sex.I hardly know anyone who has the same desires- especially when it comes to frequency! It’s great to do things at the same time, but usually one wants to play more, and has to nudge the other along. One time, I went to a sex shop and watched a porno video in one of those little back rooms. I was on my own when I ventured out, but boy did I share when I got home! But I have agreements in place that it’s okay for me to explore, and I have a commitment to share all about what I do. It’s not a have to, I love sharing!

You know your post inspired me for my blog, so I’m going to continue there. Such a thoughtful response, thank you!
In beauty, Amara

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