From Jude – “Good blog and yes I agree about the agreement between you, but it must be that both understand the agreement in the same way. One of the problems here though is that if one of the partners works on developing their sexuality but the other stays in the cozy zone sooner or later something is going to crack. I think its way better if they can explore this stuff together.”
I totally agree that it is more fun to have sexual adventures together! However, I hardly know anyone on the same page when it comes to sex- especially around frequency. Typically, one is curious might be searching for things to do, while the other prefers to stay comfy .
But maybe it’s not actually so. I think in some ways we all want to grow, we just don’t go about it the same. So first, the one who’s more adventurous should lead the way–go try stuff. Go to workshops, read books, talk to friends. Great relationships grow because there’s freedom to look around. Keep in mind that it takes time to figure out your sexual desires. It’s not like you wake up one day and say, I want sex 6 times a week, or I want to be in a threesome (well maybe some of you do.) Start by asking, ‘what on earth do I want?’
For me, what works is giving your partner the permission to take their time to explore the way they want to. If we give each other the space to be explorers, it’s much sweeter when we return.
I think it’s great if we can grow together, but if this kind of intimacy is not happening and you feel stuck, it means something from the past is bothering you. Here’s what you can do: talk about all the past stuff that irks you, write it all on paper and burn it. Past grief, hurt and pain must go, and it doesn’t go just away by itself- you have to make a conscious effort to let it all go. There’s just no way to be sexy if you’re distracted by nonsense from the past. How do I know it’s nonsense? Because it’s over.
One thing I know for sure; sneaking away is not the cure for sexual disappointment.
I recently went to Pamela Madsen’s book reading at Fascinations. If you haven’t seen her book ‘Shameless’ it’s a hoot- a deep hoot. She starts off telling a bit about how her marriage slipped into the all-too-cozy zone. She begins to take all kinds of sex workshops (like the one’s I teach) in order to try and improve her marriage. Then she ventures into the world of sexual practitioners. At first- until she has some sense of what she’s doing- she doesn’t tell her husband.
At the end of her talk she told us about an interview with Dr. Laura Berman who said to Pamela, ‘you know I have an issue with this. I don’t like to make judgments, but I do judge the people you work with.’
In case you don’t know,