Why Wanting Someone Too Much Pushes Love Away (And How to Return to Yourself)
Longing Isn’t the Problem
Most of us have been given some version of the same advice.
Care less.
Don’t text first.
Play it cool.
Don’t want them so much.
I’ve tried every version of that advice.
It never made me feel more loving.
It simply made me better at pretending.
Eventually I discovered something that changed everything.
The problem wasn’t that I wanted too much.
The problem was where my wanting was coming from.
When Someone Becomes Your Oxygen
There is a subtle moment when another person stops being simply themselves.
Without realizing it, they become the source of our safety.
Our excitement.
Our worth.
Our aliveness.
Our future.
When that happens, our nervous system begins to grip.
We analyze every text.
We replay conversations.
We panic over distance.
Ironically, the tighter we hold on, the more difficult it becomes for love to breathe.
The Butterfly Principle
Imagine a butterfly landing on your hand.
The instinct is almost irresistible.
Close your fingers.
Keep it.
Make sure it doesn’t fly away.
But the moment you grasp its wings, you damage the very thing you hoped would stay.
Love often works the same way.
The tighter we grip another person to soothe our loneliness or reassure our fears, the harder it becomes for intimacy to flourish.
Butterflies don’t stay because we capture them.
They land because, for a moment, they find a place safe enough to rest.
Perhaps love is less about learning how to hold on…
and more about becoming someone in whom another heart can safely land.
Four Signs You’re Loving From Grasping
You may be reaching from emptiness if you notice yourself:
Constantly needing reassurance.
Feeling your mood rise and fall based on one person’s attention.
Editing yourself to avoid losing someone.
Believing that if this relationship ends, your life will lose its meaning.
We’ve all been there.
This isn’t something to judge.
It’s something to notice with compassion.
Awareness is where freedom begins.
Returning to Fullness
One question has transformed my own relationships more than almost any other:
Am I reaching toward this person because my life is already full… or because I’m hoping they’ll fill what feels empty inside me?
The answer isn’t to stop longing.
Longing is beautiful.
The invitation is to nourish yourself so deeply that love becomes something you share rather than something you desperately need to survive.
Beauty.
Stillness.
Friendship.
Nature.
Creativity.
Meaning.
These aren’t luxuries.
They are nourishment.
I often say:
I think beauty is one of the body’s oldest forms of reassurance, hiding in plain sight, waiting.
When we remember how to receive beauty, we begin remembering how to receive ourselves.
Why Insight Isn’t Enough
Understanding our patterns is important.
Living differently requires experience.
Our bodies learn through practice.
Through honest conversations.
Through being deeply witnessed.
Through discovering that we can remain open, even when old fears arise.
That’s why my work isn’t only about understanding intimacy.
It’s about experiencing it.
Where Transformation Deepens
People enter this work in different ways.
Some begin through myDeeply Bonded Lovecommunity, where we explore embodied practices, authentic communication, and emotional intimacy in an ongoing circle of support.
Others choose private coaching, where together we gently uncover the patterns that keep love feeling just out of reach.
Couples often discover profound shifts through Mystic Rapture, an immersive retreat where partners slow down, reconnect, and rediscover the joy, playfulness, honesty, and embodied presence that first drew them together. Rather than fixing one another, they learn how to meet each other with open hands instead of clenched fists.
Transformation rarely happens because someone gives us better advice.
It happens because we have a new and different experience.
An Invitation
If you long for a relationship that feel deeply alive—whether with yourself or someone you love—you don’t have to figure it out alone.
Whether you join me in Deeply Bonded Love starting with a Relationship Clarity Call, come to Mystic Rapture in Costa Rica, attend a Santa Fe workshop, or work with me privately, my hope is the same:
That you discover a way of loving that no longer asks another person to carry the impossible weight of making you whole.
Because love was never meant to be held onto tightly.
It was always meant to land on an open hand.
