I just finished a four-day, second-level, sacred
sexuality workshop called Quodoushka. While the first one
focuses on the self, this one focuses on relationship.
There are a lot of teachings
and exercises, some are talk-oriented, most are hands-on.
Agreements and boundaries are an important part of the
experience. I had a truly amazing time: the people in this
group were bright souls, with really good energy; I had
really good energetic exchanges and connections.
I got a lot of really
positive feedback about my presence, that I had a strong
impact on the group, that I “healed hearts, even
without directly interacting,” and that I helped some
folks work through some tough things. I in turn experienced
healing and a lot of clearing of old energy that no longer
served me. I felt much cleaner and brighter
Returning home, I noticed I
was very tender upon seeing Susan and Rumi. I felt bursting
with feeling, without ever being able to name any particular
emotion. I just felt feelings, and it left me weepy at
And then I felt the old
patterns creeping in. It didn’t take long—only a few
hours—before I was shutting down in the same ways as
before. Now, I had been thinking it was because Susan has a
strong masculine side that puts her in competition with me,
and that causes friction. And I had been thinking I was
going to need to be more masculine, to provide the safety of
a “masculine container,” so that she could
“let go” into her femininity. While that may be
true, I think the there’s more to it.
Later that night we were
feeling a little shut down. Lying in bed it was the same old
energy: flat. I was thinking “we should have sex,”
but her energy did not tell me she was open. Then, she said
“I think we should have sex.” Ha! Well….
The interaction was slow and
deliberate. I was really open, energetically, and could
sense a lot more than I ever could before. I noticed that
her heart chakra felt exquisite, just sweet and wonderful.
That surprised me, based on how I had been feeling with her.
Then I got to her third eye.
I was immediately and
strongly repulsed. It was shocking how I physically
recoiled, pulling my face away from hers. I went back to her
heart to see if that sweetness was still there, and it was.
I realized that her third eye was what really clashed
with me. I think it’s where her pain has been going: her
stress, her worries. And I think it’s where her
aggression has been coming from.
I had been meeting her heady
energy with heady energy of my own. And that is where we
have been clashing. I never felt it so palpably as last
night. This worried me for a moment, until I realized that
my job here is to meet her head energy not with my own, but
with my heart. That is the answer.
Even more importantly, I
realized that this gets at a deeper wound, the one I have
with you, dad. As a child, I learned to meet your head
energy with my own, rather than with my heart. I was afraid
to show my heart, to use it, to embody it. I received the
message that you were uncomfortable with the way my heart
came out (consciously or not), and I made an unspoken
agreement to meet you in that headspace.
Well, now I know that my
heart is the answer to all this. My courage is the way. I
don’t know how that will show up or what that will look
like. We shall see.
To give you a little context,
for I don’t know if I told you this already… I
believe, as my therapist friend says, that “our
partners reflect out core wounds with our parents and we
have to resolve those wounds to find peace with our
partners.” I didn’t marry my mother as Freud might
have predicted; I married my father.
So that’s the realization
that I had. I would love to tell you more about the Q, but
for now I’m in a 7-day “dreamtime,” in which I
keep it to myself, integrate, and avoid “spilling”
out. Then, I’ll be able to talk about it.
Unedited Letter from a son to his father