November 27, 2012

It is OK to shout at someone?

submitted by Amara Charles Back


Dear Amara,
we have a medicine discussion going on and I really would like to hear
you interpretation about this topic! I think you are a wise teacher
and maybe can clarify something, please would you be so kind to answer
it, thanks you!

It is about the basic wheel “The Gifts of Being Human” (green Manual page 32)
Give with Tenderness (Emotions – Energy in Motion)

The question is: It is OK to shout at someone when the person who
shouts let their emotions go and is happy again within 15 minutes?

Like: A says: This is green.
And B is shouting at A: How can you tell me this is green when it is red!

You know just an example and the question is not who is wrong or right.

One Medicine person says: It is totally OK to shout at “A” because
otherwise I would hold my emotions which is not the proper use of
And yes, goal is to give with tenderness, but to reach this goal and
as long as I am not there it is totally OK to shout at a person – this
is spontaneous expression of energy (within 15 minutes) and therefore
good that “B” doesn’t hold emotions. “A” has to withstand that and if
A does not agree than A is not clear with her/his emotions.

One Medicine person says: It is not OK to shout at “A”, it is never OK
to shout at someone (except in a case of emergency).
If you loose your temper so that you have to shout at another person
you should do more character refinement. And if it happens than take
responsibility for your actions and make sure that “A” is OK – and
knows that it was just a short thunderstorm and you are well and happy

So what is your opinion to that case and how do you think about the
wheels in the south, give with tenderness?

Thank you very much for your answer!

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Ah, lovely question. I shall answer you with my first thoughts:

First of all, the question of ‘is it okay to…” is a direct set up. Making one thing right and another wrong. Thus if you shout, you are wrong.
The real question is, what does anger do for you?
Only you can be the judge of this.
A wise person begins to realize that anger is the most expensive thing there is.
Meaning, if you want to spend (lose) Orende, then get angry all you want.
When you really begin to understand the cost of getting angry, and I mean deeply understand this, you will begin to consider
whether it’s worth it to get angry.

So, if I walk around with the notion that it’s fine to let off a little steam, get angry once in a while, so that I dont commit the fault of holding my emotions, then you have a shallow understanding of what it means to give with tenderness.
Remember, the full teaching is to Give first to your self, then to life, and then to others with tenderness.

So, the question is, how do I first give to myself with tenderness, and furthermore, with ‘no pity’?

Now, this is a question which interests me a great deal.
Why? Because life will always be offering us to the chance to forget this over and over again.

Letting go of anger is not a simple thing that you will do in a few years.
it is a worthy endeavor that will take lifetimes, and countless
situations to test your understanding about life. Sometimes, all it takes is a milisecond of awareness, like, no, I shall laugh about this instead of getting angry….

This is really about cultivating wisdom.
To have wisdom, you must understand the cost of your imbalance, the cost of your anger, and when you begin to get this,
then you begin to see clearly what most anger is: narcissistic entitlement. the anger that is most costly is the bursts, the irritations
that become like a chronic sore waiting to be rubbed the wrong way. I’ll put it bluntly: you get angry because you can’t have something your way.
So the Sun irritates you, people say things, things are too expensive etc etc. So you are convinced that person out there said something that got you angry.
But this is never the case.

there’s nobody out there to get you angry.

The anger lives inside you. It is an entity, or an energy that thrives on being poked. And it’s actually thrilled to be poked into action.
Anger does not go away easily, and in fact, if the entity, the angry beast senses you are fixing to extinguish it, it flares up a tremendous fit.
Why? Because the entity does not want to die.

Now, I know this sounds funny, but since the battle to conquer anger is a messy, sticky, long hard battle won only by giving with tenderness
again and again to your self, to life and then with others, it’s useful to regard anger as a formidable opponent which must not be underestimated.

This being said, I find most people wanting to ‘get rid of anger’ using an approach that will never work.
Thinking they ‘should be better’, they then get angry with themselves for getting angry. Obviously, this is an absurd approach,
but most people try it for a few years anyway.

It is a worthy effort nonetheless, this eliminating anger.

It’s quite possibly the greatest effort we can make as a human being. This is why I feel the road
to benevolent compassion, being free from anger is long and wonderful; even the longing, and yes, I mean the longing to be free of anger
must become intensely felt.

Right now I am feeling so happy you wrote me this question, because to even have this question you ask
means you have the seeds of the longing to live free of anger.

Once not long ago, I thought I was doing pretty good. You know, not getting angry very much. But then, and it was funny,
i’d get angry over just nothing. totally out of the blue. Irrational anger. Irritation over nothing. I began to examine this.
That’s when I knew the anger is a live thing in my gut, like a worm that feeds on negative thoughts words and actions. It grows on these things.
But we think, well, I’ll just get a little bit angry, and so it wont be too bad. The worm loves this, because it’s got some food. Pretty soon, and watch this to see if I am correct; the worm gets bigger. Something else will come along, something else to annoy you. You can afford another burst of anger, and then another.

My teacher Angela once put it this way. She says, One year. Every time you get angry it costs you one year. That’s all she says.

I tell you, it got me thinking (mostly after the fact :-), I began to see how costly my anger was. It not only throws you off balance
in the moment, no, it’s much more than a temporary imbalance. What if, What if Angela is correct and you actually lose a whole year of life every time you get angry.
While I cannot prove this, I will tell you one thing. It’s quite a thing to consider, and most importantly, this one thing she said to me was more effective than anything I
ever heard, any method I had ever tried to let go of anger.

Personally, I think we all need countless methods to let anger go. As many as it takes. Until one works.

Oh my goodness, I have a class to teach…lost track of time.

Maybe I answered your question maybe I didn’t!
Thanks for asking.
I think I’ll post this conversation on my blog if you dont mind.

In beauty, Amara

On Nov 26, 2012, at 11:08 Susan AM,wrote:

The spirit whispers to the mind and body, “this is what you were born to do”.
The mind and body confer, and reply, “then, it shall be done.”
(Seneca elder)

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bryan says

QuestionI am a 25 year old male with serious anger issues. Everything gets me mad, I almost broke my laptop looking for the right section to ask my question. Whether it’s technological issues, I can’t find something within 2 minutes, I don’t understand something, whatever it is I get to the point where I want to punch holes in my walls. Sometimes it goes away quickly, sometimes the rage just keeps building up. The only thing I’ve found to calm me down is weed. The problem is I can’t be high all the time, especially when I’m at work. I am a very kind person, and most people I run into in public wont notice my anger, but I have issues with my anger through out the day. Why am I always so angry and what can I do?


there is a difference between acknowledging that there is a problem and getting angry. the difference is that when you get angry you are prone to make stupid decisions. anger is a gate towards hell and all one needs to do about it is to swallow it. i am gonna repeat this, please try your best to come to this conclusion intellectually: “all you need to do with anger is to swallow it” and THAT IS IT. after that only you will be able to wisely deal with the situation. if the above is not practically possible for you, then don’t worry, you are not alone. what helps alot is Gau-Ra-An-Ga breathing. it is a kind of safe and practical sound vibration meditation. it is basically taking a deep breath in at any time or when you are angry and saying Gau-Ra-An-Ga when breathing out, loud enough for you to hear it for about 10 to 15 min. to start. making it a daily practice after and before bedtime is just great. feel free to email if interested.


i really don’t know if I’m bipolar or if i have some type of mood abnormality, but I’ve never been a very patient person. I’m 18 years old and I’ve always also had a bad temper. my parents would get a kick at asking me the same question over and over and over again as a younger child because they would see how frustrated i would get. i don’t know if that could be a reason why maybe my temper or my patience is worse now but i also have a lot of anger and grudges towards my parents and some family members for various things they have done to me and i can get mad at little things.

simon says

The answer is contained within.

Love is not what the movies and hit songs tell us it is.
Love doesn’t hurt. If it hurts it’s something else. Fear. Attachment. Idolatry. Addiction. Possessiveness.
Nobody’s heart aches out of love. In pop culture, love gets conflated with desire all the time. From childhood we learn you can like something, or you can love it, as if it’s only different degrees of the same thing.
Love is all selflessness. It’s the opposite of need and attachment. To an individual it’s a sensation of allowing, rather than seeking. Letting go, rather than grasping.
Love is subtle and silent and delicate, and in its beginnings it can be drowned out easily by attachment, lust and fear. Love must have space, and force is what crowds it out. Love is powerful but it isn’t forceful.
Desire is simple and often reckless. We need to manage it carefully to avoid causing harm. Desire is the intention to change something, to reject what it is in favor of what it could be — something better, more secure, more pleasing. Love is the intention to let that thing be for its own sake.
A lot of us grow up thinking that to love is simply to want very badly. It’s hard to be sensitive to love when you’re overrun by desire. Love isn’t something that can be done badly, if it’s love at all. Desire can happen at the same time as love, but it’s not the same thing.
Jealousy isn’t love, nor is it evidence of love. Jealousy is fear. Love doesn’t drive people mad, it drives them sane. Desire, in its different forms, can drive people to do anything. Love never drives people to kill or steal or cheat or worry.