we have a medicine discussion going on and I really would like to hear
you interpretation about this topic! I think you are a wise teacher
and maybe can clarify something, please would you be so kind to answer
it, thanks you!
It is about the basic wheel “The Gifts of Being Human” (green Manual page 32)
Give with Tenderness (Emotions – Energy in Motion)
The question is: It is OK to shout at someone when the person who
shouts let their emotions go and is happy again within 15 minutes?
Like: A says: This is green.
And B is shouting at A: How can you tell me this is green when it is red!
You know just an example and the question is not who is wrong or right.
One Medicine person says: It is totally OK to shout at “A” because
otherwise I would hold my emotions which is not the proper use of
And yes, goal is to give with tenderness, but to reach this goal and
as long as I am not there it is totally OK to shout at a person – this
is spontaneous expression of energy (within 15 minutes) and therefore
good that “B” doesn’t hold emotions. “A” has to withstand that and if
A does not agree than A is not clear with her/his emotions.
One Medicine person says: It is not OK to shout at “A”, it is never OK
to shout at someone (except in a case of emergency).
If you loose your temper so that you have to shout at another person
you should do more character refinement. And if it happens than take
responsibility for your actions and make sure that “A” is OK – and
knows that it was just a short thunderstorm and you are well and happy
So what is your opinion to that case and how do you think about the
wheels in the south, give with tenderness?
Thank you very much for your answer!
Ah, lovely question. I shall answer you with my first thoughts:
First of all, the question of ‘is it okay to…” is a direct set up. Making one thing right and another wrong. Thus if you shout, you are wrong.
The real question is, what does anger do for you?
Only you can be the judge of this.
A wise person begins to realize that anger is the most expensive thing there is.
Meaning, if you want to spend (lose) Orende, then get angry all you want.
When you really begin to understand the cost of getting angry, and I mean deeply understand this, you will begin to consider
whether it’s worth it to get angry.
So, if I walk around with the notion that it’s fine to let off a little steam, get angry once in a while, so that I dont commit the fault of holding my emotions, then you have a shallow understanding of what it means to give with tenderness.
Remember, the full teaching is to Give first to your self, then to life, and then to others with tenderness.
So, the question is, how do I first give to myself with tenderness, and furthermore, with ‘no pity’?
Now, this is a question which interests me a great deal.
Why? Because life will always be offering us to the chance to forget this over and over again.
Letting go of anger is not a simple thing that you will do in a few years.
it is a worthy endeavor that will take lifetimes, and countless
situations to test your understanding about life. Sometimes, all it takes is a milisecond of awareness, like, no, I shall laugh about this instead of getting angry….
This is really about cultivating wisdom.
To have wisdom, you must understand the cost of your imbalance, the cost of your anger, and when you begin to get this,
then you begin to see clearly what most anger is: narcissistic entitlement. the anger that is most costly is the bursts, the irritations
that become like a chronic sore waiting to be rubbed the wrong way. I’ll put it bluntly: you get angry because you can’t have something your way.
So the Sun irritates you, people say things, things are too expensive etc etc. So you are convinced that person out there said something that got you angry.
But this is never the case.
there’s nobody out there to get you angry.
The anger lives inside you. It is an entity, or an energy that thrives on being poked. And it’s actually thrilled to be poked into action.
Anger does not go away easily, and in fact, if the entity, the angry beast senses you are fixing to extinguish it, it flares up a tremendous fit.
Why? Because the entity does not want to die.
Now, I know this sounds funny, but since the battle to conquer anger is a messy, sticky, long hard battle won only by giving with tenderness
again and again to your self, to life and then with others, it’s useful to regard anger as a formidable opponent which must not be underestimated.
This being said, I find most people wanting to ‘get rid of anger’ using an approach that will never work.
Thinking they ‘should be better’, they then get angry with themselves for getting angry. Obviously, this is an absurd approach,
but most people try it for a few years anyway.
It is a worthy effort nonetheless, this eliminating anger.
It’s quite possibly the greatest effort we can make as a human being. This is why I feel the road
to benevolent compassion, being free from anger is long and wonderful; even the longing, and yes, I mean the longing to be free of anger
must become intensely felt.
Right now I am feeling so happy you wrote me this question, because to even have this question you ask
means you have the seeds of the longing to live free of anger.
Once not long ago, I thought I was doing pretty good. You know, not getting angry very much. But then, and it was funny,
i’d get angry over just nothing. totally out of the blue. Irrational anger. Irritation over nothing. I began to examine this.
That’s when I knew the anger is a live thing in my gut, like a worm that feeds on negative thoughts words and actions. It grows on these things.
But we think, well, I’ll just get a little bit angry, and so it wont be too bad. The worm loves this, because it’s got some food. Pretty soon, and watch this to see if I am correct; the worm gets bigger. Something else will come along, something else to annoy you. You can afford another burst of anger, and then another.
My teacher Angela once put it this way. She says, One year. Every time you get angry it costs you one year. That’s all she says.
I tell you, it got me thinking (mostly after the fact :-), I began to see how costly my anger was. It not only throws you off balance
in the moment, no, it’s much more than a temporary imbalance. What if, What if Angela is correct and you actually lose a whole year of life every time you get angry.
While I cannot prove this, I will tell you one thing. It’s quite a thing to consider, and most importantly, this one thing she said to me was more effective than anything I
ever heard, any method I had ever tried to let go of anger.
Personally, I think we all need countless methods to let anger go. As many as it takes. Until one works.
Oh my goodness, I have a class to teach…lost track of time.
Maybe I answered your question maybe I didn’t!
Thanks for asking.
I think I’ll post this conversation on my blog if you dont mind.
In beauty, Amara
On Nov 26, 2012, at 11:08 Susan AM,wrote:
The spirit whispers to the mind and body, “this is what you were born to do”.
The mind and body confer, and reply, “then, it shall be done.”