From Jude – “Good blog and yes I agree about the agreement between you, but it must be that both understand the agreement in the same way. One of the problems here though is that if one of the partners works on developing their sexuality but the other stays in the cozy zone sooner or later something is going to crack. I think its way better if they can explore this stuff together.”
I totally agree that it is more fun to have sexual adventures together! However, I hardly know anyone on the same page when it comes to sex- especially around frequency. Typically, one is curious might be searching for things to do, while the other prefers to stay comfy .
But maybe it’s not actually so. I think in some ways we all want to grow, we just don’t go about it the same. So first, the one who’s more adventurous should lead the way–go try stuff. Go to workshops, read books, talk to friends. Great relationships grow because there’s freedom to look around. Keep in mind that it takes time to figure out your sexual desires. It’s not like you wake up one day and say, I want sex 6 times a week, or I want to be in a threesome (well maybe some of you do.) Start by asking, ‘what on earth do I want?’
For me, what works is giving your partner the permission to take their time to explore the way they want to. If we give each other the space to be explorers, it’s much sweeter when we return.
I think it’s great if we can grow together, but if this kind of intimacy is not happening and you feel stuck, it means something from the past is bothering you. Here’s what you can do: talk about all the past stuff that irks you, write it all on paper and burn it. Past grief, hurt and pain must go, and it doesn’t go just away by itself- you have to make a conscious effort to let it all go. There’s just no way to be sexy if you’re distracted by nonsense from the past. How do I know it’s nonsense? Because it’s over.
One thing I know for sure; sneaking away is not the cure for sexual disappointment. But look into the urge to sneak or lie. Why do we do it? One time I had a client who was having an affair. He felt terrible and really wanted to tell his wife. I suggested he look more deeply into why he felt compelled to go outside his marriage and to ask himself what was missing with his wife. After he told her, they didn’t talk to me for four years. Unfortunately, the way he shared her made her feel like it was her fault. So try not to just blurt out your feelings all out at once. Take your time, and make sure you add genuine compliments too.
Keeping quiet because you think saying anything might rock the boat is a recipe for disaster. I believe that unexpressed sexual disappointments are the reason passion gets blurry. Hiding your sexual desires leads to feeling like you have to lie. So go ahead and risk the taboo of being sexually honest, try new things and shake the boat. Yes it might be rocky at first, but the intimate passion that can come later is totally worth it.
This is the beginning of a rather intimate subject so I will continue tomorrow.
My 6 words for Intimacy Today? Exploring is the freedom to be alive
If you like my blog, pass it on. If you’d like to know more about making Sexual Agreements, read my book or come to a sexual intimacy retreat and have some fun!