April 19, 2016

Crazy Habits of Dharma Love

submitted by Amara Charles Back

Perhaps you’ve noticed how having major secrets or lying in your intimate relationships keeps you hooked in a karmic-merry-go-round that isn’t very merry. It’s no fun getting caught in loops where nothing seems to change, old irritations insist on rearing up and you can’t help adding insult to injury. Such is the way of a Karmic Relationship.

The only way to shed the weight of karma and step on a path to creating a Dharma Relationship is start seeing transgressions for what they are. And here’s the kicker: whether you’ve made or have been the target of a transgression (as in being the cheater or being cheated on), it doesn’t matter. Either one keeps you dragging through karma going round and round.

Dharma Relationships are radically different, and the habits you start to ingrain are a lot more fun. It’s not that you suddenly escape conflict, get rid of all irritation or that you have the best sex ever right away.  You do however start to play by rules that bring you into a different world.

In karmic relationships you get to tell stories of woe for all they’re worth: nothing. They go like something this: he lied to me. She broke an agreement. And they come with addendums like ‘it might have been ok if he or she asked me. What gets me is the lie.’

Ah, such a righteous yummy tasting hook. Yet, despite everything in you that says, ‘no way, I can’t get over it. It was really wrong (and thus I know I’m right), you must resist the temptation to repeat saying this over and over. The only way out is to cut the story loose and let it go.

There is no other way out. In fact, Karmic relationships are built on racking up debts and keeping them in play until someone pays up. The trouble is, when you are stuck in karmic loops, you are the one who pays the most.

You try to forgive, get over or forget, but there’s this chain around your ankle, or more precisely, around your gonads. Its weight reminds you to hold your heart around that story and never let go, especially during sex.

In a Dharma Relationship, you turn the story around. You don’t have to ignore transgressions, in fact, you see them more clearly. When we’re stuck in a karmic loop we  fight to get people to agree with, or at least listen to our stories. In Dharma, you stop trying to get others to see their wrongs the way you see them. Instead, you look carefully at your own.

What are you looking for? Your real motivations behind your actions.

Mostly, we habitually focus on their actions and brush over ours. When I look only at my part in any situation – no matter how completely justified I feel, as soon as I take an honest look at my real motivations, I remove the pressure from the other.

This is a crazy good Dharma habit to practice. Many times, if I can turn my attention inward instead of outwards – and own my own faults, it’s contagious. It has even worked with people who seemed to have ‘done me wrong’ in a big way.  It seems to cause people to take a good look inside too because I have. I am giving space for others to reflect on their own parts without ever asking them to do that.

It’s such a relief giving up the habit of trying to get things to go my way.

This is one of the crazy habits of Dharma Love that inspires honesty. Rather than demanding or expecting it, you get ruthlessly honest with your self first. I’ve noticed owning my stuff like this leads to some rather earth shattering, mind blowing, romantic sexy love. * Dharma love after all is wisdom.

(c) Amara Charles

*This was for all you Earth, Wind, Water and Fire Lovers who came to Shiva Shakti:-).

Amara Charles

Want to learn More about Dharma Relationships?

Come to one of my upcoming sacred sexuality workshops.


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Brett Chilton says

This gets really spicy when erroneous accusationa are levied. Interpretations of our sig other are none the less
Valid and I am learning to allow for her distrust to infuse me with humility and to bolster my honor. Owning what I am really conveying to other women is a deep process of subtle healing for all. I’ve learned that my overt intentions are often a subterfuge for a more insidious motive. Our partner is never wrong, even when they are not especially right, either.

Amara says

Hi Brett,
Interesting comment. I so agree. While it’s bold to refrain from lashing back when our partner makes erroneous accusations, it is really wise. I like what you say ‘I am learning to allow for her distrust to infuse me with humility and to bolster my honor.’ Could you explain how you do this? I think it would be great coming from a man, and I think many could learn from what you say. And this too: ’ve learned that my overt intentions are often a subterfuge for a more insidious motive. Can you give an example? What you are saying is quite profound! Thank You! Amara

Thank you.
There are times when I find it hard to let go of someone I love when I find out we are not a fit.

Then I get into the loop of abandoning myself in order to be with him or I abandon him in order to be with me and to follow what I desire in a relationship.

Geoff says

I think it is extra true in a Chinese year of the monkey that the best way to help others is by leading by example, is working on yourself. Working towards simplicity and from pride to humility (where you can learn).

Geoff says

Do you respect your needs enough? Do you fight hard enough for others to respect your needs? Once you’ve given all you’ve got fighting for what you deserve/need and haven’t got it, you should have plenty motivation to try your luck elsewhere. If you need to learn these things, if you struggle to Stan up for yourself, you would be, not someone who needs to recognise their faults but someone who needs to recognise their own good qualities, to have their good qualities cherished and valued by someone else so you can see them. Afterwards you could come back . Until then this article, I’d not think it is relevant to you.

Geoff says

I’m interested in the reply but I’ll say for myself: different virtues and vices come to different people, quite naturally. Those who know 5 elements: in my limited experience and understanding, metal/water men can often handle another persons anger or explosion quite serenely but with total openness and respect/awareness, whether in martial art or relationships. Others should try to copy that virtue a little. But not copy their vices.

(I hope Brett will be back with a more interesting and personal breply than mine.)

Geoff says

PS I’ll go further. I don’t recall seeing it often but I find it very true and have wanted to write about it several times, and here amara says it (or very similar) “Many times, if I can turn my attention inward instead of outwards – and own my own faults, it’s contagious.” Plain old Buddhist mindfulness meditation or loving compassion meditation, or Taoist breathing and qigong, they give you a calm which can benefit others. You can be part of the solution even when you were not part of the problem. You accept the problem but it does not disturb you, and so it seems less big and scary to the other person. Your calm gives them better perspective. Calm, like courage and honesty, is contagious.

Geoff says

And happiness and good cheer and all the rest are contagious!