February 27, 2011

Can Casual ‘Hookups’ Be Intimate?

submitted by Amara Charles Back
Can Hook Ups be intimate?

In an article by Brenda Wilson called Sex Without Intimacy: No Dating, No Relationships the author wonders how the trend of ‘hooking up’ for sex effects our meeting and mating rituals: Hooking up started before the Internet and social networks, but the technology is extending the lifestyle way beyond the campus. Deborah Roffman says no one is offering this generation guidance on how to manage what is essentially a new stage in life.

The dilemma for this generation is how to learn about intimacy, she says: “How am I going to have a series of relationships that are going to be healthy for me and others, and going to prepare me for settling down with one person?”

I believe you can develop the qualities you need for long-term, committed relationships, while ‘hooking up’ or what I call free dancing. You can be honest about your intentions; you can practice care, respect and generosity, even and especially when sex is involved.

You can be honest about your intentions; you can practice care, respect and generosity even, and especially when sex is involved.

During my free dancing days, I learned how to ask for what I want and how to be sexually safe.  I also learned how to have fun and how to totally enjoy my self sexually. Of course I made mistakes, lots of them! But that’s what exploring means- you have room to try things, find out what you like and what you don’t. Yes, I was careless, foolish, too attached, overly critical and an emotional wreck, you name it, but I learned. The idea is to learn from you’re mistakes- and hopefully, move to the next relationship knowing a few more things that definately do not work.

The idea that you can do all this in one relationship, with one person may work, but it’s rare. For whatever reasons, many of us change partners several and in some cases many times a life. Seems to me preparing for change, and learning how to be intimate through change is what needs to be taught.

But it’s not just the mistakes and the caution that one should take into a new relationship. What about the fun? What about the new sex technique you picked up? What about the sexual adventures you had? What I am saying, is when you do, or if you do settle down, keep the fun stuff and leave the rest behind. Go into your next adventure armed (hopefully) with a bit more wisdom and a bright spirit.

Can we develop intimacy skills in casual hook up ‘which include anything from kissing to fooling around, oral sex and sexual intercourse’ ? Of course we can!  It all depends how you approach another human being.

How do you feel about casual hook ups? Are they liberating, dangerous or no big deal?

Share your thoughtful comments in the box below.

Amara Charles is a sex and intimacy expert. Her New Book, The Sexual Practices of Quodoushka is available on Amazon. Visit my workshops page for sex and intimacy retreats.

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